1.6.17

INA's LIFE STORY: I HAVE TO SAY NO EVEN I DON'T WANT TO

"You don't meet people by accident. There's always a reason. A lesson or a blessing."

"When I first met you, I honestly didn't know you were gonna be this important to me."

"Every girl has that one guy, she has a crush on forever."

"I have a hopeless crush on someone I have no chance with."

I felt something strange on myself lately. The butterfly feeling, smiling a lot just because of a simple thing, overthinking about someone.. until I found out that I'm crushing on someone. I didn't realize it before and started to look for the life quotes and quotes about "crush" are definitely describing myself now. I don't think that it's my first time crushing on someone, but my sisters and my closest friends told me that this is my first time, they never looked me like "this" before. After some thoughts then I can clearly say yes. To tell you the truth, if I have a crush on a guy, we ended up together for a short or a long time. Then I couldn't say that he was my crush before..

***

Yes, those 4 quotes are exactly what have happened to me since last April.

I met this guy on February 2015. How did we meet?
Back to the year when I was so interested in modest fashion modelling. So it just started by joining a modelling workshop. The reasons why I joined it because; I have interest in modelling, I want to learn from the pro; knowing new people who have the same interest; the photographer is the infamous hijabi photographer, mba Afida, yes it was one of the reason.

I registered myself for the batch 2. But unfortunately I couldn't make it, I actually forget what was the reason. I asked the crew about what should I do, I didn't mind if they refund the fee. I only thought that maybe it wasn't the right time for me. But the crew asked me how if I joined on the next batch, and I said yes immediately because I was too excited. Hahah.

Long short story, I joined the batch 3 and unfortunately mba Afida couldn't make it to joined us. I felt a bit disappointed but still excited at the same time. And then she was replaced by a guy photographer. I had no self confidence being photographed by a guy back then, even when the room was full of girls. But I just let it flew, he's a photographer tho, and that day would be the only time I met him. After some times, I looked for his IG just because I wanted to ask him for the pictures from the event, and we've been following each other IG since then. But we never talked nor sent message. I'm following some photographers on IG and I always feel happy whenever those photographers "like" my post, including him. He did it rarely back then.

But, sure we, human, never know about the future. Only God knows.

Exactly on April 6th 2017, I met this guy photographer again. So it has been two years, huh?
In the morning, someone said to me that he would come late today so she gave me his ID card and told me to gave him when he came. His name sounds so familiar  then I thought of him immediately, "is it him?"
I didn't realize it and didn't have any thought 'till finally he came. He told me that he already on the entrance gate and yes that was how we finally met again.. Luckily he remember and recognized me and was it the first time we talk each other? 

I only knew him as someone-whom-I-know, no less and no more. I also didn't think about something exciting on the first day we met. We just had some talks, had lunch, run from the stage to another one, he took the photos while I posted the pics and did IG live for the official IG.

And it all started since the day 2 in the morning, he chat me and asked "have you arrived at the venue?" and since that time, we do chatting every day, up until now..It's been around a month.

It's so funny to think about it now.
A person whom you only met once become someone whom you looked for in every early morning or even in the midnight.. A comfort zone, yes that's how I named it.

But the thing doesn't run as smooth as I want. I found out that he's "taken" exactly on the day 2. After I scrolled down his IG, I found his woman. Yes, he has a 5 years relationship now. That's why I call it a crush. I don't know why, we only met twice but my heart breaks into pieces knowing he's already owned.

We talk about anything to one another, we eat lunch sometimes, we watch movie three times already (Guardian of The Galaxy; Fast and Furious 8; The Autopsy of Jane Doe), we do midnight call when he/I ask to woke me/him up or in the lazy morning or simply when he wants to call me, we do video call too sometimes. He even told me if he dreamed about me, it has been twice for him and some times already for me. Yes I dreamed of him too hahah. 

Now I realize and sometimes afraid about things I've done, but on the next day I'm hoping for him. He does give me hope. Obviously. But I know he never thinks that way, you know that mostly, a man isn't that sensitive as woman, right? Moreover, he already owned by someone tho. So what else should I say? I lost.

He's just someone I dream of to be my own, but the fact is I don't even have a chance to be with him, now or later. It's not a consequence, it's the fact. He's 26 now and already has a woman, a beautiful woman, someone who has similar face to him, whom he needs, a woman who wants him to be her future and someone whom she wants to spend the life with. I said once again, I lost.

Things that bothering my mind:

How could I'm the only one who had this a one frame photo with him back then and it was uploaded on their Facebook album?
He asked me to add his personal Line and how could he has been my Line friend already? We didn't remember anything about that.
What about; the midnight calls? random video calls? asked me to watch horror movie while your woman loves it more? wakes me up in the morning and makes sure I sleep in the night? those compliments that you're getting better whenever you call me? the moment you asked me to massage your hand when it hurts? the moment when you accompanied me for a phone serviced and took pics of me while we were waiting? the top search list on your IG is mine and the second one is hers? And there's a lot more..

A note to myself:

You've met some guys before, from the one whom you dumped or someone who dumped you. I never felt this way happy before. He cares about me but he's not possessive. He's funny and I'm not getting bored of him. He always says I'm fat but I admit it. He sometimes be a hard to get but he always there whenever I need him. He's really different from the guys I've met before. What I told him about one word to describe him is dependable. He asked me the reason but I couldn't give him any because I feel it, not only see it on him.

Do I jealous? Yes obviously. But I don't have to be jealous, he isn't even mine.
Just keep this feeling on your heart, no one wants to know how's your feeling towards him, so he does. He deserves to be with someone who needs him more than myself. And you deserve to be with someone else who needs you, but not him. Keep it, even if it hurts a lot. Even if you love him that much, letting him go is better than other else. He deserves to be loved but you have no chance to be with him now or later. I don't even know how would it feels when I read this post on the next 6 months from now on.. Keep it as a life story of me 'till I find my man/bae/other half. Amin..




Spread the love and please don't hate each other.
What's the better feeling than having a crush on your early 20's?

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